Introduction
Traumatic bonding is a type of dysfunctional attachment that occurs in abusive or traumatic relationships. It is a bond that forms between two people due to intense emotional experiences, such as fear, isolation, and manipulation.
Traumatic bonding can happen in any type of relationship, including romantic, familial, or even between captors and hostages. In this article, we will explore what traumatic bonding is, how it feels, the seven stages of traumatic bonding, and whether it is real love or not.
What is Traumatic Bonding in a Relationship?

Traumatic bonding, also known as Stockholm Syndrome, is a complex psychological phenomenon that occurs in abusive or traumatic relationships. It is a type of emotional attachment that forms between a victim and their abuser, where the victim develops feelings of love, loyalty, and sympathy towards the abuser. This type of attachment is often characterized by fear, powerlessness, and a loss of self-identity.
Traumatic bonding can happen in any type of abusive relationship, including physical, emotional, and sexual abuse. It can also occur in non-abusive situations, such as military captivity or kidnapping, where the victim is isolated and powerless.
What Does Traumatic Bonding Feel Like?
Traumatic bonding can be described as an intense emotional experience that can leave the victim feeling confused, overwhelmed, and helpless. The emotional and psychological effects of traumatic bonding can be long-lasting, even after the relationship has ended.

Victims of traumatic bonding often report feeling a deep sense of connection to their abuser, despite the abuse they have endured. They may feel guilty, ashamed, and even responsible for the abuse, and may struggle to leave the relationship.
In contrast to healthy relationships, where attachment is based on mutual respect, trust, and communication, traumatic bonding is based on fear, powerlessness, and manipulation.
The Seven Stages of Traumatic Bonding
Traumatic bonding can occur in seven stages, each of which plays a crucial role in creating and maintaining the bond between the victim and the abuser.
- Denial: In the denial stage, the victim denies that the abuse is happening, or minimizes its severity. This allows the victim to continue in the relationship and maintain the illusion of safety.
- Rationalization: In the rationalization stage, the victim justifies the abuse, or blames themselves for it. This helps the victim maintain a positive image of the abuser and avoid the cognitive dissonance that comes with accepting that they are in an abusive relationship.
- Disbelief: In the disbelief stage, the victim is shocked and disoriented by the abuse. This can cause the victim to question their own reality and struggle to make sense of what is happening.
- Isolation: In the isolation stage, the abuser isolates the victim from family, friends, and support networks. This can cause the victim to feel completely dependent on the abuser for emotional support and validation.
- Loyalty: In the loyalty stage, the victim develops a sense of loyalty and attachment to the abuser. This is often reinforced by the abuser’s manipulative behavior, such as alternating between abuse and kindness.
- Guilt: In the guilt stage, the victim feels responsible for the abuse and may feel guilty for trying to leave the relationship.
- Escape and breaking the bond: In the final stage, the victim tries to escape the relationship or break the bond with the abuser. This can be difficult and dangerous, as the abuser may escalate the abuse or try to regain control over the victim.
Why are Trauma Bonds Bad?
Trauma bonds are bad because they are based on abuse, fear, and manipulation. They can have a lasting negative impact on the victim’s emotional and psychological well-being, and can lead to a cycle of abuse and trauma.
Trauma bonds can also prevent the victim from seeking help or leaving the relationship, as they may feel too attached or dependent on the abuser. This can cause the victim to suffer in silence and continue to endure the abuse.
Trauma bonds can also make it difficult for the victim to form healthy relationships in the future, as they may struggle with trust issues, low self-esteem, and a distorted view of what love and attachment should look like.
Why are Trauma Bonds so Hard to Break?
Trauma bonds are hard to break because they are based on intense emotional experiences and complex psychological dynamics. The bond between the victim and the abuser can be very strong, even if the relationship is abusive and unhealthy.
Breaking a trauma bond can also be dangerous, as the abuser may try to regain control over the victim, or escalate the abuse. The victim may also feel guilty or responsible for the abuse, and may struggle with feelings of shame and low self-esteem.
Trauma bonds can also be reinforced by societal norms and beliefs about love, loyalty, and forgiveness. Victims of traumatic bonding may feel pressure to stay in the relationship, even if it is harmful to their well-being.
Overcoming Traumatic Bonding: Strategies for Breaking the Cycle and Finding Healing
Here are some strategies that can help in overcoming traumatic bonding:
- Building self-awareness: Understanding one’s own thoughts, feelings, and behaviors is a crucial step in breaking the cycle of traumatic bonding.
- Seeking therapy: Working with a mental health professional can provide support, guidance, and tools for healing from traumatic bonding.
- Building a support system: Surrounding oneself with a network of supportive people who understand the experience can help provide encouragement and a sense of belonging.
- Learning healthy boundaries: Setting and maintaining healthy boundaries is essential for protecting oneself from further harm and for breaking the cycle of trauma bonding.
- Challenging negative self-talk: Traumatic bonding often leads to negative self-talk and self-blame, it is important to challenge these thoughts and focus on self-compassion and self-care.
- Practicing self-care: Engaging in self-care activities such as exercise, meditation, and hobbies can help reduce stress, build resilience, and improve overall well-being.
- Seeking out safe and healthy relationships: Building healthy and supportive relationships with friends, family, and romantic partners can help counteract the effects of traumatic bonding and promote healing.
It’s important to note that overcoming traumatic bonding is a process and can take time, but seeking help and using these strategies can lead to a path of recovery and healing.
Historical Examples of Trauma Bonding
- Stockholm Syndrome – One of the most well-known examples of trauma bonding is Stockholm Syndrome. The term was coined after a 1973 bank robbery in Stockholm, Sweden, where the hostages developed a bond with their captors. Despite being threatened and held at gunpoint, the hostages defended their captors and even refused to testify against them in court.
- Patty Hearst Case – In 1974, a 19-year-old heiress named Patty Hearst was kidnapped by the Symbionese Liberation Army, a left-wing militant group. During her captivity, Hearst was repeatedly abused and brainwashed by her captors, but also developed a bond with them. She later participated in their activities and even appeared in a video where she declared her allegiance to their cause. Hearst was eventually arrested and sentenced to prison, but her case raised questions about the effects of trauma bonding on victims of kidnapping and abuse.
- Elizabeth Smart Case – In 2002, 14-year-old Elizabeth Smart was abducted from her home in Salt Lake City, Utah, by a man named Brian David Mitchell, who claimed to be a prophet. Smart was held captive for nine months and subjected to sexual abuse and manipulation, but also developed a bond with her captor. She later testified in court that she felt a sense of loyalty and fear towards Mitchell, and was afraid to escape.
- Ariel Castro Case – In 2013, three women named Amanda Berry, Gina DeJesus, and Michelle Knight were rescued from a house in Cleveland, Ohio, where they had been held captive for over a decade by a man named Ariel Castro. Despite being physically and emotionally abused by Castro, the women developed a bond with him, which they later described as a survival mechanism. They also struggled with guilt and shame over their captivity, and the trauma bonding that occurred during it.
These cases illustrate the complex psychological and emotional dynamics of trauma bonding, and the lasting impact it can have on victims of abuse and trauma. It’s important to understand the signs and effects of trauma bonding, and to seek help and support if you or someone you know is experiencing it.
Conclusion
Traumatic bonding is a complex and damaging type of attachment that can occur in abusive or traumatic relationships. It is characterized by fear, powerlessness, and manipulation, and can be very difficult to break.

Understanding the dynamics of traumatic bonding is essential for recognizing and preventing abusive relationships, and for providing support and resources to victims of trauma.
If you or someone you know is experiencing traumatic bonding, seek help and support from a professional or a trusted friend or family member. Remember, no one deserves to be in an abusive or traumatic relationship, and there is always help available.